Ups and Downs

... and of course, the joy and motivation of the first day of practice had to be darkened by the second day... Skatesophrenia again. Before I even went to my second practice, I felt that I wasn't "in the zone". I tried to relax, but when I arrived at practice, I was petrified on my skates and could barely move. I did much worse than on the first day, and I know it was only psychological! I remember the same thing happening to me with skiing. One day I was so motivated and full of energy, and the next, I was afraid and falling all the time. Then, even after I've gained skill and confidence and after years of skiing, I still had moments where I felt I didn't know how to ski anymore!

Towards the end of the session, I felt a bit better, probably because of the falling exercises, they put me back into the zone, but then the session ended. I was quite frustrated but as I got onto my bicycle after practice, I suddenly felt exhilarated! I was so proud of myself that I even went to practice! That I cycled all the way to the outdoor skating rink, even though I didn't want to, that I did my practice, that I worked those muscles, that I gave it a try!

I know that perseverance is key. And there will be ups and downs. That's how it is. Hopefully next session will be an UP!!!!

I DID IT!

I did it! I don't know how it happened, but I actually went to my first derby practice, and first skating session in years! And now I have absolutely no idea how come I never went sooner, even though I was aware of the existence of the skating team? What happened in my brain that suddenly, I decided to go?

Anyway, the first moment were very scary, but after a few minutes, I managed to skate a bit... very slowly. I was skating on my own, on the side, while the advanced girls were doing their advanced things. Then I was shown how to do "lemons" - skating by opening and closing your legs - plough stops, and knee falls. I have no idea if I'm using the right vocabulary... After about 10 minutes of skating, my lower back started to hurt, then I had cramps in my feet. That was the hardest part, not the skating, but the muscle pain. Of course I did a few falls, but overall I think I did quite well!

But anyway.... I can't believe I actually I went, after all these years of fantasizing! WOW! I'm so proud of myself!!!!

Whip It Syndrome

A couple of years ago, over a decade after the last time my feet had rolled on asphalt, I saw the movie "Whip It". Apparently, the film has caused a pretty interesting phenomenon, a sudden new interest for roller derby.

I had never heard of roller derby before, but after watching the film, not only my skating fantasies came back into the limelight, but I started to get interested in roller derby. I liked the inclusive philosophy, the girly names and outfits, the friendly violence, the cool attitude, and of course, the roller skating! Another fit of skatesophrenia and suddenly I had to roller skate! I just had to!

Being the impulsive person that I am, I went online and bought a nice pair of skates! Not derby skates, but a nice pair of classic quad skates with a nice ice-skater-like boot. I did a bit of research, but, unfortunately, not only the city I was living in didn't have a roller derby league, but it didn't even have a skating rink, or rollerskating lessons. I've now had the skates for about 5 years, and the only skating rink they have rolled on is my living room floor, just like when I was 9 years old, with the Barbie skates.

After a couple of years and the "Whip It" phenomenon, it turned out that a derby team was starting in my city! I got in contact with the girls, but I completely chickened out, and never went to any of their meetings. A classic pattern in my life, in which there is something I really want, in the attainable fantasy box of my brain, and when I'm getting close to getting/achieving it, the killjoy part of me annihilates the fantasy, the hope, the will, reasons me and I give up.

A few days ago (2 years later) my fantasizing self started calling again! I don't remember what triggered the call, but it made me pull out those skates, put them on, and skate in my corridor, and G-d I got excited!

But now what? None of my friends want to skate, my city is full of boring rollerbladers, no quad skaters, and I probably have to got out on my own and ridicule myself! The ONLY way I can imagine is going at either 6am in the morning, or in the middle of the night, all geared up with knee pads and wrist guards!

That's when the real challenge enters. How much do I really want this? What am I ready to do to achieve my dreams? To become a skater? To have a body that I love? To get married? To make a living from my art? To start living my life now? At age 30+?

Me and my courage. And my skatesophrenia.

Ski to Skate

So I haven't touched a roller skate for over a decade. My annoying "reasonable" me just erased the whole concept from my reality. Instead, fate made me become a skier instead, thanks to another bout of skatesophrenia.

In the late 90s, I had this boyfriend who was "perfect" by French standards of perfection, and had a perfectly standardized set of tastes and skills. He went to one of the top French high schools and colleges, he knew how to play tennis and taste wines (not because he particularly enjoyed it, but because one day he would need those skills to negotiate contracts with big bosses), he was a cheese and whiskey connoisseur, he had a perfect family who had a perfect house and organized perfect dinner parties, he had a perfect education and perfect work internships abroad, and at age 22, he had already planned his perfect future, to the point that he knew that at age 45 he would probably have an affair so he could realize that in fact he loved his wife and would come back to her after all. Gasp!!!

I felt so small and useless next to him, with my dysfunctional life and family! At that age I had no idea what I wanted to do, or rather, I didn't want to admit to myself that I wanted to be an artist, because the only people I had told my secret dreams to said I wasn't being reasonable... while HE was the epitome of reasonable!!!

Anyway, one day, that boyfriend of mine planned on going on an organized skiing trip and asked me to come along. Skiing was another thing that he knew how to do perfectly, while I hadn't touched a ski since age 9 (with disastrous memories) and was petrified at the idea!

Then a skatesophrenia seizure took over my brain: "Wait! I can do this! I'm capable! If HE can do it, I can do it too! I'll learn! It'll be fun!" I felt somehow that I would love having a set of sliding devices on my feet and glide on snow to the rhythm of my happy and excited heartbeat!

"Ok I'll go!" I said.

Just like my few times on rollerblades, the first minutes on my skis were grueling. I was absolutely petrified! I was asking myself "What have I just done?? Why have I just spent so much money for torturing myself for a week? I completely regret this stupid decision! I will NEVER learn how to ski!"

But by the end of the first skiing day, I was already hooked! After that intensive week, I was a full-on skiing nut, and was only looking forward to the next trip! For the next 8 years, I was going on week-long skiing trips once to twice a year, spending all my money on them, and dreaming all summer long about the moment I'll hear the beautiful clicking sound of the skiing boot attaching itself to the ski and descending my first slope of the year!

I couldn't believe it, I had actually become good at a sport!!! Me, the girl who was laughed at for years at school in P.E, who couldn't run or catch a ball, who dreaded the days we had to play in teams, because, needless to say, I was always chosen last! I was good and actually enjoyed a sport! 

And I realized that, in order for me to enjoy doing sports, they had to be FUN and I had to feel that beautiful freedom and joy of living I felt when skiing, and the symbiosis with the amazing nature surrounding me. The freedom and joy I also felt the few times I went rollerblading.

First symptoms

How my skatesophrenia developed:

Age 6: My mom bought me a pair of ice skates. Out of the blue. I hadn't even asked for a pair. I used to pretend I was an pretty ice skater on the living room carpet... That's how far the ice skates went, because my mom never, ever took me to the ice rink! Maybe she was a skatesophrenic too?

Age 8: I made a new friend, Candy. She wasn't shy like me, and I never felt 100% comfortable with her, but I secretly admired her. She had a really cool pair of white rollerskates, with red and blue stars, and red wheels, very American! I thought it was so cool and brave for her to go out and skate, just like that!

Age 9: My mom bought me a pair of white Barbie rollerskates with pink wheels and a huge pink Barbie logo. This time I had begged for them! When I first saw them at the toy store, I knew they had to be mine. I wanted to be brave and cool like Candy! This was my first skatesophrenia seizure.

Age 9: My friend Candy broke her arm rollerskating. A dent in my skating bravery.

My poor, beautiful Barbie skates followed the fate of the ice skates and never saw beyond the carpeted desert of my living room.

Age 10: I went ice skating a couple of times, while in winter camp in Switzerland. I was absolutely petrified. Not much progress made there.

Age 11: My friend Natasha lends me her old school strap-on metallic skates (we're in the 80s, so old school then would be considered antique now!). I was petrified the first minutes, yet, after a short while I started to gain confidence. Next thing you know, I was rolling away, uphill, downhill, having fun and feeling very good about myself! But that was a one-off and I never skated again until about 10 years later when...

Age 21:... rollerblading became the new trend! I had bought a pair on one of those brave instants of mine. Put them on. Was brave enough to go out on the busy streets and skate on my own, my knees pointing inwards, my butt sticking out. Got laughed at, fingers pointed at me. I remember one sentence in particular, from a stranger "Oh look! She got rollerblades for christmas! hahaha!" Another dent in the skates.

age 21+: In the couple of following years, I probably went skating 5 times. Not regularly enough to feel confident. But one hopeful thought is that everytime I did go, for the first half-hour, I would feel terrified, wondering why I'm doing this to myself, that I should just give up coz I'll never be able to skate anyway! Then, after that daunting half-hour, the magic would come in, and I would suddenly feel comfortable and confident, finally having fun, and with my self-confidence at top level! And this would happen every single time! To the point that I didn't want to stop skating! Unfortunately my lazy self found all the excuses not to go out and skate and that's why I only went 5 times, and that's why more than a decade later, I still can't skate for shit!

You see the pattern. Everything in my life looks like this. Up and down and up and down. Courage and fear. Courage and fear. 

 

I'm a skatesophrenic

I think I might have a rollerskate fetish. I don't know what it is, but I love to imagine myself gliding and twirling on a pair of old school rollerskates! It's been years... decades that I've been thinking about it, and yet, just the thought of going outside and ridicule myself with my clumsy moves and my butt sticking out, just petrifies me!

The soft, shy, inhibited side of me thinks "I'll never be able to do it! I'll always be too scared for this, and I'll probably break a bone, and anyway, what's the point? I'm way too old for taking on rollerskating!"

And yet, the fighter, the winner, the competitive b**ch in me, wants to say "f*** you" to the other, and will never live in peace without proving to herself that she can do it, that she can live on rollerskates, just like Rollergirl in Boogie Nights!

That's why I'm a skatesophrenic.

This is not just about skating. This is about living my life like I really want to, and not wait a minute longer! I'm so sick and tired of diminishing myself and in the end, being too afraid in succeding in anything, despite all the talents and support that G-d has given me, and all my dreams! 

Will I be able to overcome my huge range of fears? Love my body? Be a strong woman? Find love? Succeed in my profession? Simply love my life?

Learning to skate like a pro would be for me a symbol of success in overcoming my fears and proof that if I can do this, I can do anything!

I'm starting this blog as a testimony of my progress in taking up this challenge!